Saturday, January 11, 2020

Good and Shy -- inconvenient and GOOD

[Oct 9, 2019]

It is a good (and shy & inconvenient) thing that we cannot see ourselves accurately.

Today in my 8 o’clock CrossFit haven, I did my first Toes-to-Bar…basically. My toes actually missed the bar, going above the bar, but that’s because I need to hold my lats differently, trust my core more than I did, and as always, stay out of my head. It’s a matter of placement now, not ‘can I’? It’s a matter of stringing them together, keeping the form and awareness that when I weary, I return to knee-tucks until next time.

I felt the energy in my body with the first knee-tuck I did, actually. Startled myself! It was a fasting afternoon/evening/morning, so I was unsure how the upper body stuff would feel this morning. (What is it about intermittent fasting that brings such good feeling and even surprising levels of energy at the tail end of it? I dunno…but I’m beginning to recognize the pattern…). The scap pulls felt cold, a bit stiff, so I relaxed a little and went ‘careful’ for the warm-up. The first jump up to the rig was fun and my knees went up without too much thought.

I’m appreciating more the implicit yet persistent ways Melissa invites movement forward or ‘more.’  The DB snatches yesterday, I did move up to the 25 DBs, and she was right there to remind me to stay in my core. It changed what it felt like, to do the movement—slower, but more disciplined. Then she approached me today with the T2B observation.

I know I’m a touchy one to approach too, with as many shame-land-mines as I’ve inherited in my body-journey. But again it was fun…to be seen, to be pushed and seen in ways I didn’t see myself yet. That’s the good part, which is also inconvenient in ‘stepping out’ or ‘trying something new.’ When someone 'sees you' into a stronger or more expansive you, you still have to make the choice to enter in...or not. I felt it in my body, but could not 'see myself' to actually try the T2B.

I know I’d not be where I am, in my professional work or in my body journey, without this good and inconvenient blessing of ‘being seen.’ Which was so raw and vulnerable 14 months ago. A good day to pause for a cup of coffee, coffee shop blog-post, and honor that what I need is indeed finding me. Nothing inconvenient about tending one’s own deep belly breath and expanding awareness of the adventures that await, if we’re brave enough to show up and we surround ourselves with peeps who truly support us in our yearnings and imaginings, even dreams. Thank heavens we canNOT see ourselves accurately then!

What dream might arrive in me these next weeks? I wonder…

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