Monday morning, a good week of home-rhythms and routines under my belt, even though I also notice the high-stress energies of the last week too. Feels a good “progress note” kind of day.
The CBG nutrition-fueling coaching program has been holding a good space for me to remain conscious amidst some job-stressors both in my own work and that of my beloved. A longstanding bother returned onto the home-screen for him last week, peppering the remaining week days with debriefing and letting go for both of us. I made the mistake of stepping onto the scale after my “days away”, startled at the higher number than I’ve had in a long while. When it was no longer plausible to call it “inflammation” which usually leaves within a week, I easily tanked into my own ingested shame voices about weight and being fat. No matter that I continue to be as active, even moreso, than even a year ago.
But, there have been particularly-triggering stressors in my online-teaching work–a white, male, spiritually-narcissistic student poisoning the learning environment, which I finally simply drew the line on–balanced with blessed stressors in my writing work–my book is now under contract for publication! Both have set a weariness into my own body, a string of cocktail-hours in our home, and less sleep than I'm accustomed to. All of which helps and hinders my sense of well-being. I love feeling relaxed and connected with my beloved. My body has to work a bit more overtime to digest and process while I’m yet carefully monitoring food-intake best for the highly active life I love. It's unusual for me to not sleep well these days, but it's been a LOT, it would seem.
This morning, I landed back into a patience and forbearance of all that I get to be learning at this stage, drawing my focus toward what really beckons for me now. What do I want to focus on for these four weeks of July as I finalize the book manuscript and tend to what I need/want/desire?
I’m newly aware of how much better my body recovers when I weave fruit into my fueling, particularly right before and/or right after a workout.
I’m also newly aware of how few green veggies I was weaving into my nutrition, how much fat I had been eating without being conscious of it. I welcome the calories and fullness that fat brings into my fueling AND I’m feeling good about choosing more lean-protein options than I used to.
Increasing my protein intake, including one protein-scoop a day–in some almond milk, perhaps some berries or ½ banana smoothie’d in–has felt good for the strength-training Barbell Club three times a week. I recognize my weight-gain could very well be muscle, which is the whole point for me as a post-menopausal woman–how to maintain lean muscle mass as I age? I feel like I’m learning what I need to be learning…
All in all, I’m pleased with trying these new things, and feeling the energies of summer come through my own body.
And yet...amidst all of this conscious intention, I want to be ten pounds lighter than I am while maintaining a fueling-nutrition routine that is maintainable, satisfying, healthy, sometimes splashy and fun.
I’ve been craving oatmeal lately, for instance. What’s that about?
I love the CrossFit summary and have been reminding myself of its brevity, releasing my over-achiever need to count macros: Eat meat and vegetables, nuts and seeds, some fruit, little starch and no sugar. Keep intake to levels that will support exercise but not body fat. Basically, that is what I’m doing, even as I’m continuing to kick myself for not being ten pounds lighter than I am.
No surprise, I think the biggest challenge for me is mental, just needing more freedom from my own internalized “balcony of accusation.” Practice without judgment, comes the reminder from a woman I sit with from time to time, holding space for her to get in touch with her own best wisdom. Practice without judgment is the highest form of practice. YES.
I need a new story coming at me from the inside. Honoring what I am already doing, which I’m loving, which is a lot. I DO know that my basal metabolic rate is staying high. I can research for a local-sourced InBody, which always relaxes this inside-shame-story that can take over.
I am building lean muscle mass. I am enjoying less and less fear at the bar, facing Olympic lifts with courage and budding technique. I’m reminded how my own body thrives in the energies of summer with fruit woven back into my fueling, more than I’ve done in the last years. A little starch has come back in–carb savvy wraps and low-carb mini-lavashs–that simply make me happy somehow. And I continue to listen to the guidance of those around me, as well as what rises within me.
It may very well be that my body is precisely as it needs to be, as the post-menopausal woman I am, living a very full life and about to publish a book. Take the win, Lis, I hear myself say, shaking my head.
All is therefore well, as Julian of Norwich might say. All manner of things will be well.
