Gratitudes & Musings at Summer's End -- CBG

I am pleased with the gifts and challenges in the Consistency Breeds Growth (CBG) nutrition-coaching program, wanting to highlight a variety of things here at summer's end.

While there were facets of the offerings I did not take advantage of–Facebook group (as I lurk more than use social media), weekly Zoom meetings for topical information-support (Thursdays were generally the one free evening I had with my beloved)--I received what I had been seeking over the course of the four months: increased food-freedom, renewed awarenesses about choices I was making for the health-fitness of my 55-year-lived body, a plan in which to both be as active as I enjoy and indulge in some moderation alongside my husband and our newfound cruising habit. I know such a four-month-investment would be too costly for many I know here in Ohio, but it was a worthy investment for me. I am more than willing nowadays to invest funds in keeping healthy, close-in to a supportive CrossFit community amidst a regular rhythm that feels sustainable as I age. (image: FranHogan, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/)

Food-freedom, which for me is an ever-changing horizon. The first CrossFit oriented nutrition-re-education program I did back in 2019 attuned me much more to the rhythms and needs of my own body to avoid sugar (eased many hypo-glycemic symptoms) and to choose a lower-carb fueling plan (drastically lessened cravings). I found myself much less reactive to surprises, upsets, complications in my work/home. I was generally a more peaceful woman when I was low-sugar, low-carb. Ultimately, given my own propensity to obsess and over-think or over-focus, I began to become so carb-averse that I was substituting much more fat-intake than I realized, and eating far fewer greens than I knew. 

I was also attracted to the fuel for performance without counting macros, which CBG markets well. I could never quite feel I was being conscious with my food without measuring, weighing, yet it got impractical and heavy to sustain. The intrinsic blue-print planning and the different approach to fueling with CBG gave me freedom from some of my obsessive tendencies. I began to accord food choices attentive to protein-intake and becoming much more accountable with fat-intake. Not fat-avoidant, by any means, but simply much more conscious of what I was taking in. What I am calling the Return of the Fruit has been an utter delight, sensing how to ‘count’ them and when the best time is to enjoy them–post-WOD most often, but throughout the day. Life is better with a little more sweetness like that. The addition of the protein-powder has also been fun for me in this regard, whether in a smoothie-like shake or added to nonfat yogurt with berries and/or nut butter. It’s a marvelous way to get a little sweetness while focusing on the protein for sustenance of lean-muscle-mass. Noting portion sizes by means of palm, thumb, cupped hand allows me to be conscious and be gentle with myself too. There is something ancient about using one’s own body to assess what/how much one’s body needs.

Mostly, I’ve felt a greater ease with “coming back to center” after life happens, whether that is an unexpected visit from a friend, resulting in cocktail hour and a nice meal, or a long road-trip with challenges to be intentional about food intake. It’s easier on my psyche to dip into life that happens, knowing that I can still focus on protein-intake and activity over the majority of my week. I’ve appreciated the focus on consistency, in other words, feeling its wisdom much more deeply.

Now at the end of my four-months, I’ve put away both bathroom and kitchen-food scales, content to trust my fueling and body-rhythms, accompanied by an InBody scan 2-3 times a year. I can see the body-composition changes, even if I doubt my weight has changed all that much. I’ll be curious what the scan reads next week. 

I’ve PR’d all of my lifts since the start of the summer, now including the deadlift, which I hadn’t done in months. The new Barbell Club cycle has begun, and I’m excited about the convergence of activity, strength-training, fueling for the maintenance of lean-muscle-mass and the inevitable cruises my husband and I enjoy a couple times a year. I have a new protein- and hydration-focused plan for how to be on the next cruise, at the very least. And I continue to learn alongside CrossFit-associated scientists–Dr. Stacy Sims, most recently. Given her biochemical/hormonal research-approach, I’ve found myself largely aligned with her advice for strength-training and a couple high-intensity workouts a week. 

Here, at the end of the summer and a lot of significant work accomplished, my body feels great, Brian and I are eagerly anticipating our flight to Boston then embarkation for our cruise around the Canadian Maritimes to Quebec City and back again. I’m still learning, as I hope to always be. Deep bow to Justin and Annalise, my primary coach-companions in the journey!

 

Why am I grieving so deeply for someone I didn't even know?

 Why am I grieving so deeply for someone I didn’t even know? CrossFit Games athlete Fee Saghafi posted this on her IG page, with Amanda Barnhart commenting her own resonance with the question. They are athletes in the Sport of CrossFit, while I am a clear amateur, if with the same question in my body today. Why am I grieving so deeply for someone I didn’t even know?

When I first learned of Lazar Djukic’s death, I remember being stunned. Disbelief. Shock. Sadness. Fear. I was driving home from campus, trying to find the livestream of the Games so I could catch up on all I had missed while at work. I couldn’t find the livestream anywhere. It felt odd. Foreboding. So I went to Instagram to at least see finalists. I learned of Lazar’s death on Instagram. My body’s visceral reaction was hugely out of proportion for learning of an unknown-to-me-except-by-name Serbian athlete’s death by drowning. My skin went clammy. My gut wrenched. I felt nauseous. I cried all the way home. 

Then I struggled to function that afternoon, listless, teary. Finally, I dove into a rather mindless task of creating an index for my beloved’s forthcoming book while watching the Sound of Music. I downloaded DoorDash to my phone (for the first time), ordering Indian butter chicken take-out, with naan my body didn’t need but craved. The last time my CrossFitting body had Indian food was probably four years ago, before I learned all I’ve learned. I made myself a stiff cocktail. All behaviors completely out of the usual for me. I stayed up insanely late. Got up earlier than I should have. I finished the Index. Then I struggled with whether to watch the Games or not. I couldn’t turn it on. Then I couldn’t turn it off. Grief refused. Grief relentless.

What I know so far: all this signals a viscerally-felt loss of trust and a sense of equanimity, even innocence, in the sport of CrossFit. I have loved the sense that anyone and everyone competes in the Open, leading to those most fit going to the Games. I’ve imagined the sense of community I know in the gym transferring to the Sport itself. It actually doesn’t and it’s past time more of us said so. My body is grieving the loss of what I thought CrossFit was in the face of its corporate realities, which I don't judge nor expect to be different. Huge loss all the same, for a body that is in the gym she loves for at least an hour a day, 5-6 times a week. I had felt a part of something global and now it has become safe only locally, with people I trust.

CrossFit Sport is an influencers' business within a corporate-structured competition, which was clearly on display in this Games. I was at the Games last year in Madison, overwhelmed there by how little the sense of community I’ve treasured didn’t seem to exist at the inter/national level. At least for most of us. I remember being offended by the Mayhem t-shirt–Mayhem vs. Everyone. All in good humor, I know, but symbolic to me of increasing division by brand and by camp. Which again, will not change. I left before that Games was over because I had achieved what I came for–seeing Annie Thorisdottir compete as an individual–and the Games was so anti-box-community-feel I couldn’t stand it. My body knew then that the Games is no longer a community-event, at least as I need community to be.

Social media and our close-knit media teams give us all the sense of a box-community, but just as grief is love with nowhere to go, Instagram and corporate sponsors are platforms where a grounded-love in community--love that is self-giving, without reciprocity--will rarely if ever grow. Readily apparent in the face of a senseless tragedy with absolutely no communal structure that could hold all that needed holding. Can't expect a Navy Seal to be adept in collective grief, after all. Few of us are. CrossFit Sport–as it is today–is not a community that makes human beings more human, growing them into communities of practice grounded in relationship, love, trust. I suspect it used to be and clearly thinks it still is. I grieve Lazar’s death and yet it is requiring CrossFit to examine who it has become today, as a corporate-driven competitive sport. I think so many of us are grieving because we have lost the innocence of who we thought we were together, seeing now who we actually are, have become, in this unavoidable, market-driven structure. No one is to blame, and it's not going to change anytime soon, if ever.

Naturally, then, it was my body that reacted viscerally to the senseless death of such a clearly good-hearted, deep-souled guy at the hands of an adolescent sport governed by corporate norms and Navy Seal/military guys with no skill nor leadership in collective grief. My body revolts against the lack of care for nourishing details for the whole human body. I yearn for a fierce feminine that loves competition yet is strong enough to stand in power to soften the hardnesses we socialize into men. Like Annie Thorisdottir. Like Kara Saunders. The sport of CrossFit is a business, not a community. Businesses don't know how to stop, to grieve collectively. Which meant everyone had to grieve alone, as best each one could, as an individual. Excruciating.

Though I am across the country, even the world, my body is grieving so deeply because I can see Lazar’s grin on guys I know at my box. I know guys who run like him, whose gait reminds me of Lazar’s gait. And several of the folks at my gym have lost colleagues in the armed forces, in Afghanistan and Iraq, in actual war-zones. All that death and impermanence came front and center this week, in my body, in my box. Fear. Sadness. Senselessness of death, so young. Wounds happen in community so need to be healed in community. But the sport of CrossFit is not a community, it's a business. It needs to grow up past the adolescence of its current structures into a different kind of organization prepared if/when the need to grieve arises. Because it will again. Life happens and people take risks because they choose to. But the Sport needs to grow up and realize it's NOT a community. (Perhaps a future post on Parker Palmer's "Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community (with a fourteenth thrown in for free)" is coming...).

My body is wise to recognize excruciating loss and respond appropriately. Which is apparently first, really carb-heavy Indian take-out, a stiff drink, and overwork…before moving into my own discipline of writing so to understand, to encourage, to invite. I will move back into clean-eating tomorrow, with my rhythms of metcons and barbell work to steady me. 

None of this alters the daily and weekly practice toward health I engage in my own box, because I’ve never been that interested for myself in CrossFit as a sport. CrossFit is my community of practice. It’s the discipline that brings me great joy in my body and stillness to my mind. It’s the camaraderie that pushes me to grow in courage, confidence, and skill. I spend 5-7 hours per week in my body, in community, doing the methodology and health-learning I love to do. Before CrossFit, I was rarely in my body for so many hours per week, and I had shame & fears in isolation, often with repetitive-injuries from overrunning. CrossFit grew me up out of all of that to trust my community of practice to encourage me, to celebrate with me, even to grieve with me when I fail at something. So to practice and grow stronger as I may decide.

Anger is grief unresolved. It is necessary upon transgression. Rage is collective anger, unresolved. It can devour any human collective if not held in community containers willing and able to hold it well. Time will tell whether the Sport can grow up beyond its corporate branded norms, so to create a collective container for grief when something like this happens again. Because it will. Eventually. But I expect Rage will course through social media like a forest-fire in dry timber. I grieve that inevitability as well.

My prayer is for Luka and his mother, Lazar's partner, Anja, that the CrossFit rages that are coming do not devour them alive. May they grieve so to be found by a peace that does not depend upon the conditions of peace. May they find purpose again, when it is time, but not a moment before.

RIP, Lazar Djukic, tragic soul-teacher now for those willing to feel their own pain, sadness, without lashing out, without blame. When you let the grief have you, for as long and as often as it wants to have you, there will grow an unbidden and unexpected, even undeserved freedom…and Lazar’s life-energies will flow once again in that vibration of love, in your own body.

The Spirituality of CrossFit? One Scholar Weighs In...

I was surprised to awaken early one morning, thinking about my scholarly crowd’s guild-language for spirituality instigated by Coach Daryl’s invitation to me for the community podcast. On a whim, I texted him a potential topic of the spirituality of CrossFit, figuring it might build some bridges between what I do as a ‘spirituality scholar’ and my avid CrossFit passions. The stuff in my own work becomes the most interesting (for me, anyway) in convergence and whimsy, so here we are. The Society for the Study of Christian Spirituality has a definition of spirituality perfectly suited to draw out some of the best of CrossFit methodology and contributions to human fitness, well-being. Who knew?

I won’t bore you with all the jargon of it, just some. :) For the SSCS, spirituality names a conscious involvement in integrating all the disparate parts of your life, grounded in your human capacity for transcendence. Some folks will say “God-given gift” to yearn for "God" or "the Sacred." But this definition doesn’t require a specific religious or wisdom tradition, faith profession of any kind. The root of spirituality for this spirituality-scholar crowd is the conscious involvement in your own actualization of just get better, specifically “the conscious involvement” in your “life’s integration through self-transcendence,” toward the “horizon of ultimate value you perceive.” 

Put this into the CrossFit methodology then, gasping for oxygen amidst the scholarly bits. A conscious and deliberate way of living toward some 'beyond.' CrossFit excels at bringing communal wisdom, empirically grounded, to become more and more conscious about the choices we make every day in nutrition, activity, functional movement, regularity, duration, and more. Our over-culture thinks that insanely skinny human beings are fit, but can they deadlift their own body weight? Execute complicated gymnastic moves that demonstrate agility, flexibility and technique? CrossFit aims to bring each of us more and more consciousness of our actual life choices, inviting each of us closer to health, perhaps even fitness for some of us. Choosing against the foods and inactivities that lead to chronic illness.

While outsider-onlookers imagine an intense, corrosive competition amidst us in a WOD, those that stay long enough learn the steadying, grounded maxim of just get better, in the goals that you choose. CrossFit hones all who are willing to focus on their own own bodies, capacities. It urges us to learn to train our weaknesses or “growing edges,” as we call them in the pastoral business. Just get better is the invitation to self-transcendence. Getting better at something you’ve decided you want to train, challenge yourself with, learn from. Yes, the camaraderie can push us, but that's different than a competition that corrodes. (Don't get me wrong--some CF boxes are quite corrosive, just sayin'). At it's best, CF encourages integrating past challenges into future strengths.

Then horizon of ultimate value you perceive. Human beings seem to find the most happiness when grounded in something beyond themselves–meaning, God, purpose, etc. This part of the spirituality definition honors that human tendency, opening it up for a diverse global view of humanity. Christians would define this ultimate value as salvation or perhaps simply, the Triune God known in Christ in Spirit. Buddhists would define it as the four noble truths leading to nirvana or enlightenment. If I were to take a guess, I think CrossFit’s ultimate value is health, fitness, longevity of human life with capacity to be active, work, play, love, serve. Not every CrossFitter need sign on to this, but those that come are drawn to a compelling elixir of increased health, fun, community, challenge, growth, shared suffering and laughter as we encourage one another toward health. The cool thing about the SSCS sense of spirituality is that it asks you to name your own ultimate value, for now.  What drives you, and how, for what?

When asked, most folks would draw the connection between CrossFit and spirituality in the community. I don’t disagree. I wouldn’t show up but for others showing up too. There’s a great interview with Greg Glassman at Harvard Divinity School, who invited him to speak to CrossFit and its crossovers with “church.” (1:20:55 long). You can see some of that work in a pdf on “How We Gather,” which looks at all kinds of communities like CrossFit that have a strong communal core, inciting loyalty, persistence and community amidst some collection of practices or social action, service.

Today, though, I’m struck by how resonant the SSCS definition of spirituality is with CrossFit’s staying power beyond the community. Its empirical base. Its simplicity yet huge difficulty in the overculture around us. Its incitement to self-transcendence. Its demand to define one's ultimate goal, horizon. Its fun at the local level, torqued and stretched in the season of The CrossFit Games that highlights only elite athlete capabilities, striving to become The Fittest. Don’t misunderstand…I’ll be glued to the screen, watching what these elites can and will do. But none of that is what keeps me coming to the box, facing my fears of the barbell, laughing at the end of a WOD all with movements I cannot do “as prescribed” but which I love doing in my own body’s capacity to do.

Maybe there’s enough here for me to write a peer-reviewed spirituality scholarship article after all. What a hoot.

Take the Win Already...

Monday morning, a good week of home-rhythms and routines under my belt, even though I also notice the high-stress energies of the last week too. Feels a good “progress note” kind of day.

The CBG nutrition-fueling coaching program has been holding a good space for me to remain conscious amidst some job-stressors both in my own work and that of my beloved. A longstanding bother returned onto the home-screen for him last week, peppering the remaining week days with debriefing and letting go for both of us. I made the mistake of stepping onto the scale after my “days away”, startled at the higher number than I’ve had in a long while. When it was no longer plausible to call it “inflammation” which usually leaves within a week, I easily tanked into my own ingested shame voices about weight and being fat. No matter that I continue to be as active, even moreso, than even a year ago. 

But, there have been particularly-triggering stressors in my online-teaching work–a white, male, spiritually-narcissistic student poisoning the learning environment, which I finally simply drew the line on–balanced with blessed stressors in my writing work–my book is now under contract for publication! Both have set a weariness into my own body, a string of cocktail-hours in our home, and less sleep than I'm accustomed to. All of which helps and hinders my sense of well-being. I love feeling relaxed and connected with my beloved. My body has to work a bit more overtime to digest and process while I’m yet carefully monitoring food-intake best for the highly active life I love. It's unusual for me to not sleep well these days, but it's been a LOT, it would seem.

This morning, I landed back into a patience and forbearance of all that I get to be learning at this stage, drawing my focus toward what really beckons for me now. What do I want to focus on for these four weeks of July as I finalize the book manuscript and tend to what I need/want/desire?

• I’m newly aware of how much better my body recovers when I weave fruit into my fueling, particularly right before and/or right after a workout. 

• I’m also newly aware of how few green veggies I was weaving into my nutrition, how much fat I had been eating without being conscious of it. I welcome the calories and fullness that fat brings into my fueling AND I’m feeling good about choosing more lean-protein options than I used to.

• Increasing my protein intake, including one protein-scoop a day–in some almond milk, perhaps some berries or ½ banana smoothie’d in–has felt good for the strength-training Barbell Club three times a week. I recognize my weight-gain could very well be muscle, which is the whole point for me as a post-menopausal woman–how to maintain lean muscle mass as I age? I feel like I’m learning what I need to be learning…

All in all, I’m pleased with trying these new things, and feeling the energies of summer come through my own body.

And yet...amidst all of this conscious intention, I want to be ten pounds lighter than I am while maintaining a fueling-nutrition routine that is maintainable, satisfying, healthy, sometimes splashy and fun. 

I’ve been craving oatmeal lately, for instance. What’s that about?

I love the CrossFit summary and have been reminding myself of its brevity, releasing my over-achiever need to count macros: Eat meat and vegetables, nuts and seeds, some fruit, little starch and no sugar. Keep intake to levels that will support exercise but not body fat. Basically, that is what I’m doing, even as I’m continuing to kick myself for not being ten pounds lighter than I am.

No surprise, I think the biggest challenge for me is mental, just needing more freedom from my own internalized “balcony of accusation.” Practice without judgment, comes the reminder from a woman I sit with from time to time, holding space for her to get in touch with her own best wisdom. Practice without judgment is the highest form of practice. YES.

I need a new story coming at me from the inside. Honoring what I am already doing, which I’m loving, which is a lot. I DO know that my basal metabolic rate is staying high. I can research for a local-sourced InBody, which always relaxes this inside-shame-story that can take over.

I am building lean muscle mass. I am enjoying less and less fear at the bar, facing Olympic lifts with courage and budding technique. I’m reminded how my own body thrives in the energies of summer with fruit woven back into my fueling, more than I’ve done in the last years. A little starch has come back in–carb savvy wraps and low-carb mini-lavashs–that simply make me happy somehow. And I continue to listen to the guidance of those around me, as well as what rises within me.

It may very well be that my body is precisely as it needs to be, as the post-menopausal woman I am, living a very full life and about to publish a book. Take the win, Lis, I hear myself say, shaking my head.

All is therefore well, as Julian of Norwich might say. All manner of things will be well.

Buoyancy of Balance

This seems to be the phrase of early summer for me, balancing a summer of online teaching with some intentionality in both my CrossFit practice and its underpinning, nutrition/fueling. I feel buoyant, hopeful, curious, which will often land me here on the page.

The summer had originally had some reprieve in it–an Alaskan cruise, some time ‘off’, some in-person teaching toward the end of July before jumping back into the doctoral work in mid-August. Alas, this was not to be. The course needed to go online for institutional purposes, which was regrettable. It intruded into the cruise and made the whole summer feel a lot heavier. So, I made some decisions to balance all that out with what I seem to be loving most these days–CrossFit–alongside what I’ve been somewhat frustrated by as well–nutrition, maintaining lean muscle mass, possibly losing some body fat too. I’ve maintained my weight well enough these last 2-3 years AND I was aware of a sneaking dissatisfaction I could not quite name.

First part of my balanced summer then: I decided to invest in the four-month coaching program with a group called Consistency Breeds Growth, or CBG, which markets its nutrition coaching program as one freeing you from counting macros, building bodies to “look like they CrossFit regularly.” On the one hand, I’m not one for the body-image ‘sell,’ as a post-menopausal woman of rather Midwestern modesty. Yes, I said modesty, though what I mean by it is my love of big flowing t-shirts, no bra, comfortable womb-friendly clothing. My husband complains that I hide in such things, and I probably do. But I was curious about the CBG style of focusing on protein-intake (1g/1lb body weight?) and the invitation to not count macros. I’m a compulsive information intaker, so once I started in the “counting macros” practice about four years ago, I’ve never quite felt comfortable unless I was tracking like that. What might it be like to learn a new system, one proud of not-counting-macros? 

I began to experiment with what I was learning online, before even talking with anyone. Increased my protein intake, aiming for their 1g/1lb advice. Then an opportunity for an InBody scan presented itself, showing I had gained almost 2 lbs in lean muscle mass from my last scan! Hmmm…Interesting. I reached out for an exploratory, then moved to a more intentional ‘educational-sales’ conversation, then felt the YES in my body to sign-up. It’s not in-expensive, but then neither are our cruises, which stress out my need for healthy, nutritious life-habits. Balancing what I need alongside what my family life invites. Perfect. (image: Justin Romaire, head coach CBG)

The journey officially started this week, and I’ve already learned a lot. It’s so easy to go unconscious with food, even when you’re not intending to. The biggest learning is that I was taking in a whole lot more fat than I was aware, even in my more care-full counting. I’d let go of the preference for lean protein somewhere along the line, deciding protein was protein. I know that’s not true, but I decided somewhere to forget it. Some of my carb-substitute favorites of late–mini-muffins made with coconut flour, eggs, and butter–count in the ‘fat’ category in the CBG assessment. I can see why now. So I’ve begun to trim the fat-intake, which has felt a relief to me. I knew what I knew had shifted, but I didn’t know what I didn’t know to shift back, you know? This is why exploring these things with others, with larger community, with differing communities, is such a wisdom practice for me. It can go against our more familiar sense of ‘tribal loyalty’ with those who have helped us before, but it’s such a good learning journey to explore, and explore again. Even ad infinitum.

Interestingly enough, I’ve also rediscovered a love for fruit that I’d forgotten. Another aspect of my CBG interest was to learn the ‘timing of fueling’ that so many CrossFitters seem to know. How much protein is too much at one sitting? When does the body process carbs, and what kind, and does it matter? All of this is way more detail than most folks are interested in, I know. I don’t talk about it aloud at all, unless I want the rolled eyes of friends. But I was curious, wanting to know! And now I’m getting a better sense of it, what it feels like to be intentional about recovery after a hard workout, protein and some light fruit. Wow I had forgotten how much I love fruit. And as I continue to count when I am curious–out of habit, still, learning–the carb- and sugar-intake is not that much. So it fits even with what I’ve known before, just remembering and enjoying anew. (Image: Coach Annalise, CBG)

The second part of the buoyancy of balance: signing up for the summer barbel cycle at my gym! I’d looked into it for last summer, but realized I would miss too many of the sessions to make it worth it. This summer, it feels more a priority for me. It’s also part of the exploration of increasing lean muscle mass. Now that we’ve begun (this week), I also realize what a gift it will be for me in general. Several of those who decided to sign up are ones I’ve wanted to get to know better anyway. It seems I’ve landed in the midst of a promising community for precisely the things I want to learn. A good start too, as we’ve been about establishing ‘baselines’ for the summer. Four PR’s already–shoulder press, push press, front squat and overhead squat! And how about that: I didn't even "game it" to stay at lower weights, so to "succeed" at the end! (image: Bomber's CrossFit, coach Cassie)

So, the summer is unfolding with a good sense of spaciousness, anticipation, curiosity and learning. JUST what I like. I miss my old gym still, remembering folks there often. I reach out via text from time to time, smiling.

And yet...life flows ever onward…

I wonder what will happen next?

 

Beginning Anew...

I feel a curiosity rising in me in this new season: what am I drawn to in my CrossFit rhythms? Are there particular goals I have in mind for the next couple of months? The end of a school semester always brings this arising in me, of course. It feels good to let go of this batch of students–the ones I’ll miss and the ones I really won’t. To let go of the texts and topics that focused my energies for months. Put the books back on the shelf. Take a deep breath before the next semester begins (in six days). Consider what I love as a whole and discern a bit–am I living my wild and precious life as I desire, as I can?

The biggest shift for me here is my training rhythms, no longer stretched between two CF boxes/communities. While I am sad for that change in many ways, I DO recognize that it makes my training a bit simpler. Instead of two communities, two training plans, and my embodied dance between them for connection and fitness, I listen and decide between one stream of programming and my own felt-sense, Whoop-confirmed choices for deepening my body’s capacities, play, strengthening.

I’m back into clean-eating habits, for the most part, if enjoying no-carb cocktails from time to time. I’ve grown curious about the amount of protein would help me thrive in the strength-training/CF practice I love. One recommendation was 1g/1lb of bodyweight. Really? I’ve begun to increase my intake, which does balance the fats/carbs, but it takes concerted effort to get that much protein into my system. I do love the lack of cravings when I fuel clean and well. Even when on a cruise-ship, I know to front-load protein and enjoy the splurges only with dinner. I’ve maintained my weight etc. for nearly 2-3 years now, even as the inside-voices continue to bother me about losing weight. Letting those go… 

One conversation with a coach yesterday confirmed some of my unexpected focus on running for me this summer. I’ve dipped into the 10K app with its interval runs, knowing that my pace could improve a lot. I’ve tended to focus on slow-and-steady distance, but what might aiming for a timed-mile goal offer me? Satisfaction or just more anxiety? I wonder… I may actually show-up for the running WOD, even as I’ll certainly be last on the leaderboard.

I continue to gently increase my upper-body mobility things, before and after each workout, sometimes just during the day while I’m computer-surfing. The pull-up program still irritates my left deltoid muscle, so I’ve just contented myself with mobility and doing what feels good.

The push-up challenge has begun again, toward the Murph event at the end of the month. For the first time in 4-5 years, I won’t be doing that in any collective fashion. I’ll be on an Alaskan cruise for Memorial Day itself. Pity. :) Perhaps midsummer, I’ll do my own rendition of it from home. I enjoy the extra nudge for upper-body and core-strengthening.

So, for now:

Increased protein intake, perhaps signing onto an online nutrition community for the web-of-support I find so helpful

Increasing my running pace by 1 minute

Upper-body mobility, with possible professional PT help later this summer, to see if I learn anything new

State(s) of Intention...a Progress Report

One of the things I had found most tender-difficult-challenging as I began my CrossFit journey is also one of the gifts: intention toward progress. 

When I started CrossFit over five years ago at CrossFit Dedication (close to my campus work place), it was the gym-practice for the coach to write each athlete’s name on the white-board. At the conclusion of the WOD, the coach would yell out each name for the athlete to then name his/her/their time or rounds/reps or whatever. It was horribly public and for my experience of things, quite shaming. Nothing to do with CrossFit, of course. More to do with how my parents had (admirably) attempted to get us girls to do our chores, become responsible little human beings. They’d used a whiteboard, with “chips” awarded for each task accomplished. It was a great system for my task-oriented sister; it was horrible for my own dreamy-wondering-exploratory self. They eventually realized it was traumatizing me, so stopped it altogether. But I walked into that CrossFit box and almost burst into tears at the whiteboard. 

Surprising the affiliate-owners, I wrote a long email defining the space for myself, what I could and could NOT do. I did NOT want my name on the whiteboard. I would NOT yell out my score/time. I insured for myself that the space would be a safe one for me, honoring what I needed in contrast to communal practice/norms. 

And it worked. 

For a period of months, I simply ignored the progress-report bit in CrossFit methodology. Which allowed me to realize how mental it had been for me, and how little power those around me actually had over what my body was enjoying in the space. The main coach for me at the time, Melissa, had assured me that no one was paying attention or judging my score. I didn’t believe her, because that had not been my earliest experience. Just get better as the athlete’s motto began to take root, however. Just get better (for me), not better than… 

I eventually lifted the “ban” and began to track my own WODS, have my name on the whiteboard, yell out my score/time. I realized it wasn’t a comparative thing with others. It was a statement of intention and a tracking of my own progress–which I began to see, celebrate, even marvel at. I simply had to find my way there. Five years and some later, I’m more often moving into Rx weights and WODs than I ever would have thought. I am stronger and healthier (fitter, if not fit in the CF training sense) than I have ever been, which I celebrate.

I love the intentionality of CrossFit, in the end, even as I recognize the complications that vary with each person. Some people come to just work out, without any sense of why we track WODs. Others thrive on the competitive energy, actually striving for better than in a collegial sense. We do help each other push into challenges in that way. I need that in order to stay accountable to my own fitness too.

Some of my intentions for this season, then:1) I’ve found myself moving into the spring-season with the urge to run more. (Strange! :)). So I dipped into the 10K app I have, wondering if I’ll train for a 10K this summer. 2) I treated myself to the PRVN Pull-Up Program for my birthday, mid-March. It’s taken me some time amidst work-family travel, but I started it this past week, continuing to get curious about how my lats and deltoids collaborate. (Things I never would have known to name five years ago).

And this week brings a specific sense of intention, in a different way. [As noted in the previous posting] Crossfit Dedication, the box that held such good space for my own deepening, decided to close by the end of April. Different phase of life, kids going into college, wanting a different era of life to unfold, the owners decided that eleven years was enough. I applaud their decision and celebrate the New with them. I am also needing to be intentional about honoring these early years for me…learning to grieve well, attentively...

1) Grief retail therapy: It was important to purchase the Rx wall-ball and plyo box, the 35# barbel and some basic plates, a heavier set of dumbbells as they sold off the gym equipment. They’ve become symbols of my own progress, my own tenacity to stay with discomfort zones as I train. That they come from my home-box matters to me.

2) It’s been important to touch in with friends from this original box, many of whom I haven’t been able to see very often as my work and life commitments pushed me to a CrossFit community closer to my home, Bomber’s CrossFit. I was fortunate to ease into this new space during the week, while staying in WOD-touch with my original box on the weekends. I grieve that I probably won’t see many of these folks, as we’ll have no reason to gather like we did.

3) And this final week, I’ve needed to be intentional in honoring “last times.” I went to a 5:30 a.m. WOD, aware it would be the last one there at CFD. This Sunday, I’ll enjoy the Open Gym as a “last time” there.

These intentions are no less important in my training than the physically-active or oriented ones, I’m realizing. Not everyone sets emotional goals, of course, as love and loss just happen as we grow. But such intentions aren’t the same as goals. Ritual intentions, being intentional about times/spaces, help my body move through the change. They allow me to honor and celebrate. They give me space and time to feel the changes. And yes, move forward more free to get curious, receive, explore what will be possible because of this ending...

So it was only natural for me to invite my now-friend, ex-coach, to become intentional on her own journey to "after" and the new. What actions or practices help us release the old so to receive the new? An elder in my life talks about the ritual actions we can take to make our departures conscious. It doesn't matter if we believe in such actions. They can be as simple as cutting a piece of yarn as we depart for the last time. Or enjoying a celebratory meal/event, to remember and imagine anew. The action itself is the significant gesture. I wonder what she will imagine for herself to honor and truly let go as a really great endeavor of her life comes to its conclusion...and new horizons open because of it?