Sunday, February 21, 2021

Patterns Today Then...

 A quiet February morning, snow glimpses enjoyed while they may be, as they’ll be gone by Wednesday (most likely...high in the 50’s). We’ve only really had winter for a couple weeks this year, really, but it reminds me to enjoy the seasons, the cycles, as they come. Always something to be celebrated or cherished, each winding step around the mountain, right? Amidst the various stressors of these last several months--pandemic, election, civic unrest, etc--I decided to focus my early 2021 attentions back on a bit more conscious-disciplined eating habits, among other things. I’m now coming up on the end of the two months I invested in for that purpose, so I figure it’s a good time to note some of the new patterns or learnings… 

I’m once again pleased with where I am, learning maintenance-mode still and again. Though my weight is about where it was, I’m actually down over 4 pounds in fat and up over two pounds in muscle. I am reminded of how much easier I am inside, mentally and emotionally, when I’m choosing good care of my body’s needs. The numbers are less of interest to me, though no longer NO interest. I’m noticing that I am actually much less stressed than I was  (though admittedly some of the input has also been ratcheted down, from the outside). I’ve remembered once again I’m less edgy inside when my body is burning mostly fat for its energies. I can push myself in workouts or around the house, for fun, without a sense of angst or fear. 


One of the take-aways this time then: I learned that recording my splurges in FatSecret terms had a gift this round, though it felt a little counter-intuitive to enter off-plan items into the CookBook. For example, I laughed aloud when I texted a friend with several laughter/thinking emojis😆😉😏😆, “Do you think it’s counter-intuitive to record the recipe for an Old Fashioned into FatSecret?” I mean, it’s clearly off plan, though I make mine as 'on plan' as possible, i.e. no simple syrup or sugar cube--rye, orange bitters, an orange slice. I’d never recorded it before. Unknown to me, it was a lacrosse weekend, so this friend was hanging out with Melissa, laughing aloud when my text arrived. A picture of Melissa came next into our phones' text-stream, all of us laughing at the collision of accountability and ‘responsible’ or ‘conscious’ splurging. I had invested in the accountability web, after all, so I loved it and laughed for a long while. Arguably, still. And yet maintenance in my own household requires me to navigate ‘conscious splurges’ too. How do I stay more conscious with cocktail hour? has been a regular question on this journey. Record it in my app, I’ve learned, regardless of whether anyone’s watching on the other end.


One Old Fashioned (with Bulleit rye) is 221 calories, with other macros minimal. Great for low-carbs attentions, but it can also lead me to less-conscious choices, particularly if B brings out chips or munchies. On days when I’m low on calories and way opens for a porch-sit with my husband, it’s an easy and splurgeworthy choice for me. While I remember it’s never completely about reducing calories, alcohol consumption can lower inhibitions and lead to choices that are much higher in calories than desired, for more days/week than desired. Evidence file: November-December. 🙈 Even if I’ve eaten sufficiently and healthily, an Old Fashioned can put me much higher above the healthy calorie threshold than I was consciously choosing to be.


The unexpected gifts of recording splurgeworthy cocktails? For one, recipe-cocktails are much more precise in measurement. I know what I’m imbibing, more than ‘pouring over ice’ in tumblers of varying sizes. Recipes moderate intake. Recording off-plan items also register the calories in a much more obvious way. In the months of ramp-up to election and post-election events, habits of stress-eating became my choice more than tending to what my body actually needed. I was unconscious of this shift, at that time, considering myself still largely on-plan, with occasional splurges. It was much more than ‘occasional,’ I now realize. Instigating ‘periods of check-in’ with FatSecret keeps me most aware. So while I don’t anticipate recording/tracking every day for the rest of my life, I demonstrated in this season that I will know when I need to return to some ‘check-in’ listening, learning, trusting each time will offer the gifts I need for that time. I celebrate that too.


Recording splurge-worthy items also makes them another choice, but each time conscious and with reminding-impact. Instead of going ‘off-plan’ and implicitly believing a “doesn’t count” kind of thing, off-plan choices can be better seen for their macros and impact. There is an implicit deciding-factor of what truly counts as ‘splurgeworthy.’ My long-lived relationship with bread, for instance. Yesterday, I finally loaded my favorite splurge-worthy bread into my FatSecret CookBook: struan, which is a Celtic harvest bread, handcrafted for celebration and love of baking. It’s a multigrain bread with oats, uncooked polenta, brown rice, a touch of sweetness. Totally off plan, but food here is more than fuel for me. When I was in my first sabbatical, needing to write my first book but unable to keep my butt in the chair, I would make three batches of struan a week. It forced me to a domestic, sitting-writing-waiting rhythm while it rose, both times, then baked. Too much to eat or store, of course, so I gave loaves away to our students for free that semester. My way of feeling a part of the community, even though I was ‘away’ writing my book. I called myself the Sabbatical Bakery, with tagline because everyone needs a little extra dough. When I make it, I do so in mini-loaves, better for smaller servings and toasting (more crusts!). I hadn’t made it in literally years, but in November, Thanksgiving time, I retrieved the recipe and made a batch. Two loaves have been in our freezer since then, so were nearing ‘eat’ or ‘throw out.’ I decided it counted for a splurge in my Saturday night/Sunday morning rest-day/family day. One small slice? 33 g carbs, 4.59 g protein, .24 g fat, 169 calories. It’s not worth it regularly or even ‘often,’ but...it will always be splurgeworthy to me...and now I’m more conscious and aware of the impact of the choice. 

A more feasible communal pattern may also have formed in my home in these two months. Sorting out “the family rhythm” is the ever-changing pattern-discernment for me. My husband is eating just as much, if not more, sugar, carbs, etc. than he used to...which for the most part, doesn’t impact me much at all in our weekly day-to-day. We’ve figured out our regular meal-compromises and rhythms amidst work and rest during the week. The date-nights/weekends are more challenging, however.


There are times he misses some of the classic date-night meals we used to make together--paella, pad thai, vegetable lasagna, etc. I don’t miss the food like he does, but I do miss his ease and delight, his artistry and play with the food we often both used to enjoy. So...he asked about making paella earlier this week--a Spanish rice dish with lots of meats, veggies, shrimp. “How about Saturday night, then?” has become the pattern. It seems to meet a relational need, and I have been enjoying a bit of his play and artistry, some of the communion I’ve missed. Counting and recording it in these weeks of accountability? Sometimes I record it; sometimes I just leave it blank, not even trying to ask Brian what he’s created our dinner with that night… Paella is pretty easy to aim for proteins more than rice, but it's all in there. It also behooves me to watch the binge factor with such a night. If Saturday night is the ‘only night,’ then a bit of everything can wind up in the mix, which my body truly does not fare well in...

It probably seems strange to some that families consider food to be so central a connector. For his and my families, it has been for as long as I can remember. Our visits to his family are totally food-identified, which 'favorite food' of his will be when during our short stays. Hard to navigate sometimes... This new pattern of a ‘less than 24 hour’ period from Saturday night into Sunday morning where splurging ‘fits’ in my week, my rhythm...may work for the time being. I don’t even ask Ches Brian as he creates, because it alters the ease of the evening. Post pandemic, we’ll have different options, but for now… The day-after becomes rehydrating and a smile to get back to what my body prefers for ‘normal’ now...low carb, higher protein, higher fat...fresh vegetables and meats. All a body loves…


Finally, I’m continually intrigued by the invitation or drive to relaxation that ‘splurging’ seems to connote, followed closely with the body discomforts or edginess I know I do not find relaxing. What is it about relaxation/downtimes that seems associated with foods my body now does not like…? Craving arises still, though much less frequently. I know sometimes it’s simply a body-habit or body-memory that focuses my attention on things I grew up on, or have a strong relational connection to. Some of them, like my earliest-years-birthday-meal, Chef Boyardee’s beef ravioli, now disgust my palette even though my body remembers it with nostalgia. Others, like freshly baked bread, right out of the oven (or toaster), remind me of my father, of celebrations, and my own delight and artistry. These are harder to release, though I don’t like the after-effects my now-sensitized body signals. Yet relaxation seems to trigger the impulse to splurge in some way… So very curious… Such a fascinating dance in these days… 


Eventually, when I go back to my “track my food” a couple series-of-days in a month instead of daily, I’ll already know more how these recent patterns of choices play in my week, my days, with stress and without. One nice thing about the conscious-unconscious cycles in us is that it keeps us constantly learning, if we’re curious. These have been worthwhile (re)learning days for me, proving once again we can end where we began. We human beings can be as changeable and cyclical as the weather. Part of the CrossFit wisdom is to honor the cycles, the intervals, and work them again and again, in community. 


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