We are who we are...

At some elemental level, we always remain who we are, right?

Life changes around us, we change in our response to life, yes, but some core of me remains waiting for me to discover her immutability, her tenacity, this ‘Lisa-ness’ that offers me (and others) what I came into the world with, hopefully what I’ll leave the world with more of. There’s a scary thought for some people I love—MORE Lisaness. But…We humans try to name it, of course—spirit, soul, spark, heart, etc. Angels on pinheads, those names. Each of us has some ‘coreness’ that we share as one or being a part of others. Everyone has this spark or spirit or soul or heart, but is a unique expression of it, seeking unity (or not), spaciousness (or not), a chance to freakin’ return to the gym, (or not, yet)… Well, a funny thing happened to me today which demonstrates how the life around you can change you AND how some parts of you will always remain YOU.

I took over two minutes off my DB Fran time today!

CrossFit Math makes me shake my head, begrudgingly participating AND poking at it all the same. The gift of quantifying, yes; the curse of quantifying, yes.

The difference the times show pokes an awareness in me, which is what I love best. I think I actually remember doing this a month ago. It was week one of Quarantine Lockdown. The #Stayathome had actually begun, on Friday March 14^th, getting grocery supplies and preparations set. My birthday was Monday the 16^th, first weekday of the lockdown, and while it was a great birthday, it was also not as ideal as what we had had planned. [Ramble down to Cincy for a long hike, some foodie shopping, a nice dinner out at a new restaurant there…we did none of that.] CFD was beginning to move into Zoom possibilities, or maybe we were still FB Live that week…am not sure. But I remember feeling disoriented, sad, fearful, yearning for my CF peeps around me and our bantering rhythms. When I saw Dumbbell Fran, I just felt a bit of dread in my stomach. Okay…we do what we do, but there was such a weightedness about me that had little to do with my physicality or movement. It was energetic. Or lack of energetic.

Contrast that with today. Last night, one of our sarcastic two (3? 5? 10?) goaded me into using an emoji I have never used before, ever.  Yep, flipping the bird. Always sure I have my glasses on specifically to make sure I do NOT by accident use that one. Then I enjoyed the general hilarity in the FB responses. I Zoomed into 8 a.m. circle, logging in almost after Lori did! The question of the circle became ‘Name your most used emoji, first on your list.’ Smiling shyly, mine was the red heart, but I added the ‘geek glasses’ emoji, which was next. Another’s most used one was a swearing unicorn. I didn’t even know unicorns could swear, let alone there being an emoji of one.

We moved into the warm-up, and then the coach insisted on the 3 minute max pushups bit before Dumbbell Fran. My eyebrows went up at that, at first, but it was a sure way to insure it actually happened. I entered in, in trust, because that’s what I do with CFD peeps.

Then into the WKO, with strong encouragement to use the same weights you had used before. I had had the idea of using my heavies—23 lb DB—but by the time we got there, I knew I would use the weight I did before—12 lb DBs. Particularly when I saw RX was 15s? Even the 18s I have (next ones up) felt ‘too much’ amidst the progress of the workout.

So…same weight as before, with some curiosity of what a sprint might feel like today. [I tend to ignore or neglect the ‘sprint’ WKO’s, the unbroken ones too. I don’t like the stress on my body and I do have fear of being out of breath to the point of serious discomfort. I’m an endurance, long-distance girl, an EMOM that lasts forever? Heaven for me.] What a sprint might feel like today. That’s my way of bearing down on ‘Try to beat your time.’   We are who we are, right? Some part of us always remains, though things within and beyond change beyond expectation.

It was a banner WKO today, in the end. A sprint felt do-able. I am more fit than I was a month ago. I took serious time off a time. And yet all the elements of a CF community play into these things. I got goaded and then amused myself. The energy of the circle did have its general hilarity this morning. I think the emoji journey and bemusement distracted my own quarantine sad self enough to try the sprint. Really. So it’s all of a piece for me. CrossFit math will rarely motivate me, but getting to flip the bird and laugh about it? Learning about a swearing unicorn? Apparently these things will.

We are who we are, after all.